Forgiveness

Confession #1
I have a problem with forgiveness.
Now, this problem doesn't manifest itself in the way forgiveness usually does. Most people have hard time forgiving others. For me, that's not usually the case. Rather, I struggle with forgiving myself.
For as long as I can remember, I have had impeccably high ideals. From the kind of person I would be to the kind of things I would do to the kind of man I would marry, I never once wanted to settle for second best. And while this--to some extent--caused me to strive for the best, it also had the opposite of the intended effect. When my striving didn't immediately attain the desired outcome, I'd throw up my hands and give up. And sabotage all the efforts I just went to.
As a perfectionist, that wasn't particularly beneficial.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the perfectionist in me refuses to die and let myself make mistakes. And the sluggard in me refuses to step up and let myself give my best. And I'm stuck in the middle somewhere, in this deadly mix of anger at myself and an overpowering desire to give up. Did I mention that this combination also knows just how to send myself esteem to the sewers?
So here I am with my sky-high ideals, disintegrating motivation, and vanishing self-image: your very own walking contradiction.
Now what? Shall I continue wallowing in the pit that I have dug for myself as I so often have done before? A lovely mixture of self-pity, self-loathing, frustration, and overall agony?
No thanks.
Been there. Done that.
It sucks.
I think it's time to step out of the slums and the best way I know how to do that is through Scripture.

Psalm 103:8-17

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him

I struggle with forgiving myself, yet the Lord forgives me. His Word says "He does not treat me as my sins deserve." Why should I hold against myself what God does not? Am I above God? God remembers that I am dust...why can't I?
He forgives me. Am I greater than God that I should dangle sin over my head, that I should withhold the grace of God from me? It does nothing but hurt me.
Jesus has chosen to forgive me. To love me. To continue loving me even when I do stupid things. And make choices that I know I shouldn't. As long as I wallow in unforgiveness, I'm blocking the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Not cool.
So, Daddy, I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and for choosing to sin. Forgive me, Lord. Help me have a new start. Help me walk in freedom and forgiveness. You forgive me, therefore I will forgive myself. It's a choice.

The Perfect Christian...Part 2-The Idol

"Make a list of the "perfect you." He said.

I thought this was pretty strange, but God said do it, so I did. I wrote everything...from the ideal job, all the spiritual qualities and gifts, talents, skills, looks...everything. I wrote it and I brought it before the Lord, figuring He’d be impressed by the godly girl I was trying to be.

Then He said to me:

“You were wearied by all your ways,
but you would not say, 'It is hopeless.'
You found renewal of your strength,
and so you did not faint.

"Whom have you so dreaded and feared
that you have been false to me,
and have neither remembered me
nor pondered this in your hearts?
Is it not because I have long been silent
that you do not fear me?

I will expose your righteousness and your works,
and they will not benefit you.

When you cry out for help,
let your collection of idols save you!” (Isaiah 57:10-13)

I was shocked! “What do You mean? Me, idols? I don’t have any idols!!! AND what is wrong with my righteousness!!! I thought I was doing pretty good, if I do say so myself!!!!”

"You foolish, child! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes, Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" (Galatians 3:1-3)

In those moments, God exposed my “idol:” an idol that I was completely blind to. This girl, "perfection," was my god. I loved her. I sought her. I worshiped her.. More than anything, I wanted to be her. But she always eluded me. Every. Single. Time.

I thought I was being spiritual by trying so hard to be holy and perfect. However, holiness isn’t something that can be attained by striving. In fact, all striving does is estrange me from God. Galatians 5: 4 says, “You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.”

In my pursuit of perfection, I lost sight of Jesus, the only possible way to perfection. God showed me that it’s not about how hard I try, but how much I let Him love me and change me, and how much I learn to love Him, in return.

The Perfect Christian...Part 1

Have you ever thought about the "perfect you?" Or the "perfect Christian"? I know I have! I have this perfect image of the "perfect me."

You know, the one who is organized, neat, disciplined, exercises every day, eats super healthy all the time, is kind, encouraging, loving, always filled with the Holy Spirit, generous, faithful, has a great job, keeps a budget, has a fabulous wardrobe, has a ton of scripture memorized, never messes up on piano, keeps perfect rhythm, is never forgetful, is totally selfless and always looking to serve others.

Hmmm....the kind of person that just loves Jesus so much and loves everyone else, too. Yeah...the kind of person that God wants all of us to be...right?

Well, I had this mental image of the "perfect me," and I began to strive to be her. I worked hard, but rather than getting closer to my goal, I felt as if I was getting further away. I began to get frustrated. Why couldn't I achieve "perfect Christianity?" No matter how hard I tried, my failures loomed in my face. I just could not measure up. All the striving began to take its toll on my and my emotions took a turn for the worse. I was weary, depressed, and burdened. I was failing myself and even worse, I was failing God.

I couldn't worship, knowing that I had let God down. I couldn't pray, with the knowledge that I was a failure. The words in my Bible seemed empty...each one seemed to scream "hypocrite!" "failure!" "you'll never be good enough!" I would read about God's ideal for His children and think, "well that's just impossible."

Finally, I cried out to God, "Why am I always failing?!?! Why can I never measure up?!?! What do you want from me!?!?! Why are you always so disappointed in me?"

I waited Him to chew me out, to tell me to keep trying, and to work harder. But He surprised me. His answer wasn't exactly what I expected.