Paradoxical Thoughts

Sometimes I think it’s funny the way the kingdom of God works. It’s like this whole backwards set up—a system of paradoxes, if I may. Tonight, as I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep, my head was spinning with these paradoxical thoughts.
I had just gotten back from Westside and was contentedly ready for bed. Wednesdays are Oneighty JV nights. I love Wednesdays. I love my group of fifth and sixth grade girls; I’m so excited about building relationships with them and the things we’ll be able to do together. And yet, it’s bittersweet for me. If things go according to plan, come January, I’ll be halfway across the country. So I’m building these amazing relationships with these girls only to up and leave. It’s the same with a lot of other things in my life, as well. I started this awesome job, but with the intent of only being there two months; I’m super connected in a community group that I absolutely adore; I have a play that could possibly be produced if I stayed; and I’m living with some incredible roommates in a super cute house. And now…I’m leaving. At least, I think I am.
Usually I’m dying to get out of Bend. I’m ready to leave at the drop of a hat and hop on the first plane that calls my name. But this time…it’s different. I feel, I don’t know, rooted. Not just like I’ve grown up here, but like I belong. This is kind of a first for me. I’m usually restless and unsettled after being in one place so long. Contentment is an unfamiliar feeling.
As I was lying in bed pondering this, I asked the Lord what on earth He was doing and why He would be sending me away now. This thought came to mind, “because this time it costs something.” I knew immediately what He meant. For the first time, my motivation for leaving wouldn’t be to escape, because I don’t want or need to escape. In fact, it’s almost the other way around. This time, leaving would cost me. Before, my motivation was for my own pleasure and agenda. Now, it’s obedience. And obedience costs—it doesn’t mean much if there’s no sacrifice involved.
This is just another of those great paradoxes of the kingdom of God. When you finally give up your dream(s), God answers. I don’t know for certain that I’ll actually bid Bend farewell come January. But I do know this, I’m willing to obey. Leave or stay, I’m surrendered. And you know what? That’s the best place to be.