Confession: I might possibly have gone to Barnes and Noble to do the massive pile of homework I have, and study for finals...and spent five and a half hours talking to Jenna instead. Okay, it wasn't simply talking. It was very deep heart-to-heart conversation, which ended up in both of us crying multiple times about our problems, self-esteem issues, and relationships with the Lord. We would of course decide to have this conversation in the middle of the cafe at Barnes and Noble right before finals. Go figure. However, it was a very healing conversation for both of us...all five and a half hours of it.
At one point, Jenna looked at me and said, "Wow. I feel as if a hundred pounds just lifted off my shoulders and went on to you." :-) Likewise, I always love talking to Jenna about things. She has the best advice. Even when she doesn't give any advice, her very presence is wisdom-inspiring. It's amazing how healing conversations can be. When there's so much junk pent up in your heart just ready to explode, it's good to talk it over with someone. And it was wonderful to realize that Jenna is struggling just as much as I am. It made me feel a lot less pathetic. Not that I'm glad that Jenna's life is hard, it's just nice to know that she's human too.
Sometimes, I think that's just it. It's not that are problems get smaller, or that we're any closer to answers, it's that we're not all alone anymore; we're not facing our mountains by ourselves. We might still be broken and pathetic, but at least we're broken, hurting, and pathetic together. I think that's why the Bible talks so much about friendship.
This leads me to my next confession: I definitely think relationships are WAY more important than homework.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Forgiveness
Confession #1
I have a problem with forgiveness.
Now, this problem doesn't manifest itself in the way forgiveness usually does. Most people have hard time forgiving others. For me, that's not usually the case. Rather, I struggle with forgiving myself.
For as long as I can remember, I have had impeccably high ideals. From the kind of person I would be to the kind of things I would do to the kind of man I would marry, I never once wanted to settle for second best. And while this--to some extent--caused me to strive for the best, it also had the opposite of the intended effect. When my striving didn't immediately attain the desired outcome, I'd throw up my hands and give up. And sabotage all the efforts I just went to.
As a perfectionist, that wasn't particularly beneficial.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the perfectionist in me refuses to die and let myself make mistakes. And the sluggard in me refuses to step up and let myself give my best. And I'm stuck in the middle somewhere, in this deadly mix of anger at myself and an overpowering desire to give up. Did I mention that this combination also knows just how to send myself esteem to the sewers?
So here I am with my sky-high ideals, disintegrating motivation, and vanishing self-image: your very own walking contradiction.
Now what? Shall I continue wallowing in the pit that I have dug for myself as I so often have done before? A lovely mixture of self-pity, self-loathing, frustration, and overall agony?
No thanks.
Been there. Done that.
It sucks.
I think it's time to step out of the slums and the best way I know how to do that is through Scripture.
Psalm 103:8-17
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him
I struggle with forgiving myself, yet the Lord forgives me. His Word says "He does not treat me as my sins deserve." Why should I hold against myself what God does not? Am I above God? God remembers that I am dust...why can't I?
He forgives me. Am I greater than God that I should dangle sin over my head, that I should withhold the grace of God from me? It does nothing but hurt me.
Jesus has chosen to forgive me. To love me. To continue loving me even when I do stupid things. And make choices that I know I shouldn't. As long as I wallow in unforgiveness, I'm blocking the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Not cool.
So, Daddy, I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and for choosing to sin. Forgive me, Lord. Help me have a new start. Help me walk in freedom and forgiveness. You forgive me, therefore I will forgive myself. It's a choice.
I have a problem with forgiveness.
Now, this problem doesn't manifest itself in the way forgiveness usually does. Most people have hard time forgiving others. For me, that's not usually the case. Rather, I struggle with forgiving myself.
For as long as I can remember, I have had impeccably high ideals. From the kind of person I would be to the kind of things I would do to the kind of man I would marry, I never once wanted to settle for second best. And while this--to some extent--caused me to strive for the best, it also had the opposite of the intended effect. When my striving didn't immediately attain the desired outcome, I'd throw up my hands and give up. And sabotage all the efforts I just went to.
As a perfectionist, that wasn't particularly beneficial.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the perfectionist in me refuses to die and let myself make mistakes. And the sluggard in me refuses to step up and let myself give my best. And I'm stuck in the middle somewhere, in this deadly mix of anger at myself and an overpowering desire to give up. Did I mention that this combination also knows just how to send myself esteem to the sewers?
So here I am with my sky-high ideals, disintegrating motivation, and vanishing self-image: your very own walking contradiction.
Now what? Shall I continue wallowing in the pit that I have dug for myself as I so often have done before? A lovely mixture of self-pity, self-loathing, frustration, and overall agony?
No thanks.
Been there. Done that.
It sucks.
I think it's time to step out of the slums and the best way I know how to do that is through Scripture.
Psalm 103:8-17
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him
I struggle with forgiving myself, yet the Lord forgives me. His Word says "He does not treat me as my sins deserve." Why should I hold against myself what God does not? Am I above God? God remembers that I am dust...why can't I?
He forgives me. Am I greater than God that I should dangle sin over my head, that I should withhold the grace of God from me? It does nothing but hurt me.
Jesus has chosen to forgive me. To love me. To continue loving me even when I do stupid things. And make choices that I know I shouldn't. As long as I wallow in unforgiveness, I'm blocking the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Not cool.
So, Daddy, I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and for choosing to sin. Forgive me, Lord. Help me have a new start. Help me walk in freedom and forgiveness. You forgive me, therefore I will forgive myself. It's a choice.
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