Revisiting some truth

I found this tonight...and re-read it. Oh, how timely is this! My circumstances are a little different, but my heart is in the same place...striving, worry, fear. And the Lord's response is still the same. Written over a year and half ago, it's as applicable as if I wrote it yesterday. So let's revisit some truth...

February 28, 2011

Go Figure


I sometimes refer to myself as "one who is professional at freaking at things that I shouldn't freak out about." Tonight, this staunch career was in full force as I mentally wrestled with an overloaded mind (making sleep incredibly elusive.) An overbooked schedule, work, school, Bible studies, worship meetings, future school, travel, how to make money for travel, plans, thoughts, ideas...and a sore throat all plagued my throbbing noggin. As I lay in a tub of steaming water (I had to calm myself down somehow!), I felt the Holy Spirit whisper, "Is all this really your responsibility?"

"Yes, God." was my snippy response, "If I don't take care of all this, who will?"

Once more, "Katelyn, is all this really your responsibility?"

When He asks questions again, that generally means my answer was wrong the first time. However, never one to be easily dissuaded: "I'm not sure You understand, I have to do all this stuff. I have to have it figured out. I have to have a plan!"

"Oh? And all this is your responsibility, is it? And just where do I fit in?"

"Well...umm..." I stuttered mindlessly for a moment. He waited while I fumbled for words, before speaking, ever so tenderly.

"Don't you trust that I can take care of you? And I don't actually need your help."

I wanted to argue on about my responsibility and how I needed to take care of things, but I was starting to see that it was pointless. After all, this is the Creator of the Universe. I guess it makes sense when He tells me that He doesn't actually need my help. Go figure.

In my mind, I saw a picture of huge storehouses of wealth--filled with way more money and resources than I could even imagine. And I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "Just ask. All of these resources are at your fingertips. All you have to do is ask."

I've been freaking out about how on earth I'm going to pay my bills and get to Europe and pay for school and all of the traveling I want to do unless I work 70 hours a week for the next six months (in addition to school and ministry), all the while forgetting that my Dad has all the resources in the world. Literally. And when I'm walking with Him, He'll make a way, He'll open doors, and He'll provide all that I need. Oh, and He doesn't actually need my help. 

Go figure.

Hebrews 4:16

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Luke 11:8-10

 "Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door is opened."

Philippians 4:19

And My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

My feet are steady here

Lately, I have been messy. Not cluttery, disorganized messy (though that often comes with this kind of mess)--rather emotionally messy. I feel weak and vulnerable and unable to handle the constant stress that is being thrown my way. My job is beyond stressful. I constantly have to remind myself of why I'm working, why I'm saving, and why I'm doing what I'm doing...I just feel wrecked for everything other than work. I hate feeling like work is my life. It's not that I dislike my job; I enjoy it while I'm there. But it takes all my energy so that I'm giving second best to that which I care most about--writing, ministry, my family, relationships, Kosovo planning etc.

And I feel like the thing that's been sucked away most is my secret place time. The time that matters more than anything that I do is my time with Jesus, seeking His heart, seeking His face. And I'll be honest, I feel angry about it. I know that my attitude and my response is not right, but I feel angry. Stress is hard on the body and the emotions. Plus it tends to bring out the worst in people. I'm not very excited about some of the stuff that's coming out of my heart right now, to be honest.

And yet the Word of God says to give thanks in ALL circumstances. That means when I'm frustrated, when I'm tired, when I don't have anything to offer, when I'm angry, when I'm messy, when people are really rude to me at work and treat me like I'm nothing, when I want to respond in like manner...that's when I am to give thanks. I believe that God is faithful, that there is power in thanksgiving, and there is power in praise. Even if the only thing it does is change my perspective. Because no matter what, He is still God. And He is still good. And He's still worthy of ALL my praise ALL the time.

One of my favorite songs is by Casey Parnell. The chorus is brilliant:

He is my solid rock
The truth is found in Him
I am standing here cleansed and forgiven
When all around me fails
When all is sinking sand
My feet are steady here
I've found my way, my truth in Him.

This isn't meant to be a self-pity blog, because it's not. I could list a hundred reasons I have to be incredibly thankful. Rather, it's me being vulnerable and honest about where I'm at. There's no brilliant theme or thesis to this blog post--or much structure. And yet in the middle of my ramblings and adrenaline letdown, one thing I know: my Rock is immovable, my Rock is good, my Rock is Jesus. And my feet are steady here. Always.

How He Loves

It's amazing how in a matter of moments I can go from extremely joyful and happy to exhausted, overwhelmed, and weepy. I think there comes a point when the choice becomes remarkably harder to make. When my energy's high, it's easier to choose joy. And yes, I firmly believe joy is a choice. When I'm drained, worn down, and am reminded of something that hurts...it's like this giant wall crashing down on me and crushing my joy. As I was writing that last sentence, the song on Pandora starting playing, "How He Loves." Now this...is my song. And I just stopped. And listened. And breathed in His love. 

Cause here's the thing: no matter what my circumstances, no matter how I feel, no matter what I'm dealing with...He loves me. 

And ya know? Even a long/hard day...month...couple of months...isn't enough to crush my joy. Here's a little secret I'll clue you in on: joy isn't crushable. It's squishy and pliable and moldable and will conform to whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Joy can't be beat by a collapsing wall. It doesn't matter how many walls come crashing down...He still loves me. And that will never ever ever EVER change. There you have it. Beneath all that rubble...there still is and always will be that uncrushable, undefeatable, radiant glimmer of joy. And that, my friends, is enough.