Confession:
Sometimes I hate it that the Lord knows me so well.
Sometimes it drives me crazy when He starts revealing things in my heart.
Sometimes I can't stand it that He's right.
Theme for the day? Pride.
I went on walk this morning, and the Lord started showing me that the reason I'm struggling with sin is that I have this unwillingness to truly submit to Him and submit to authority, even if it's just simple things. I keep wanting to do things my own way and am unwilling to change. Even though I want to change with almost everything within me. Twisted, I know.
I decided that I didn't really feel like dealing with pride today, so I ignored it and went along in my miserable little way, feeling sorry for myself that my life isn't so dandy. And then I did this Bible study online and what was the subject? Oh, yes. Pride.
I hate it when He does that.
And yet...the mere fact that He's bringing this up means that it's important. And it means that He loves me enough to not let me get away with that which is destroying my soul. So, even though it frustrates me that He exposes my heart and wants to deal with the garbage that's in there, it means that He loves me. The Bible says that the Lord "disciplines those whom He loves." It's an act of love, even if it doesn't feel like it.
And I guess the fact that I'm so resistant to this subject shows just how correct He is in bringing it up. Sigh.
Okay, Daddy, I guess this means that I have more to learn (go figure), and more to let You do in me (surprise, surprise). So, even though I feel virtually incapable of actually humbling myself, and so totally stuck in my prideful patterns...here I am. I want to be humble before You and I know that I need You. A lot. So...here I am. That's a good place to start, right?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Righteousness by Faith
Psalm 37:39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
For some reason this verse really stuck out to me tonight. Maybe it's because I am always trying to earn my way to favor with God. I think that if I'm perfect, God will love me more. Or if I'm perfect, I will be more acceptable. Thus, it sends me on this destructive path of striving, striving, and more striving and simply leaves me empty, broken, and really worn out.
But Ephesians 2:8-10 says that it is "by grace I have been saved, through faith--and this not from myself, it is a gift of God--not by works so that no one can boast. For I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for me to do."
It is God who does the work in me.
I do not save myself.
I do not make myself righteous.
I cannot earn my way to Him.
So, why, oh why do I keep trying?
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
For some reason this verse really stuck out to me tonight. Maybe it's because I am always trying to earn my way to favor with God. I think that if I'm perfect, God will love me more. Or if I'm perfect, I will be more acceptable. Thus, it sends me on this destructive path of striving, striving, and more striving and simply leaves me empty, broken, and really worn out.
But Ephesians 2:8-10 says that it is "by grace I have been saved, through faith--and this not from myself, it is a gift of God--not by works so that no one can boast. For I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for me to do."
It is God who does the work in me.
I do not save myself.
I do not make myself righteous.
I cannot earn my way to Him.
So, why, oh why do I keep trying?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Hope for the Cynic
So, basically, I am the most hopeless romantic. Ever. And it's a very refreshing feeling, actually, as I have been in a rather long and arduous season of cynicism and disgust at the male species. I was seriously considering celibacy for awhile simply so I wouldn't have to ever deal with boys again. Except that I knew that I would still have to deal with them and that wouldn't actually solve my problem as I really do not want to be celibate for the rest of my life.
As I was saying, I am about as ridiculously romantic as they come. Tonight, at Spirit Bearer--the Bible study/worship/prayer group I go to on Friday nights--one of the leaders was talking about what she loves about her husband and how he's been the best possible person for her to walk with for 11 years and help her grow and how he's really a hero to her and I almost started crying. And deep inside of me this little bubble formed inside of me of hope. "Maybe there is hope for me to have a wonderful Jesus-centered marriage after all..."
The fact is, I've been really burned out on being around sucky marriages filled with fighting and frustration. "If that's marriage," I thought, "Then I don't want it." Detect a little cynicism? Yeah, marriage is hard. But it's good, too. At least it is the way God designed it. If God wants what is best for me, doesn't that mean He wants to give me an amazing marriage, one day, too?
I suppose that makes sense, it's just hard for me to believe, sometimes. But tonight, I felt something that I hadn't in awhile. Hope. And not just that...but actually the desire for marriage. Before it's always been, "I want the warm fuzzies of a relationship but don't want to deal with all the other stuff." But now, I kinda sorta am starting to really crave that kind of deep love and intimacy, the willingness to walk through thick and thin together and keep loving.
First, my source is from God. That's where I'm going for that love...but someday, when the time is right, I know that marriage will actually be a good thing.
As I was saying, I am about as ridiculously romantic as they come. Tonight, at Spirit Bearer--the Bible study/worship/prayer group I go to on Friday nights--one of the leaders was talking about what she loves about her husband and how he's been the best possible person for her to walk with for 11 years and help her grow and how he's really a hero to her and I almost started crying. And deep inside of me this little bubble formed inside of me of hope. "Maybe there is hope for me to have a wonderful Jesus-centered marriage after all..."
The fact is, I've been really burned out on being around sucky marriages filled with fighting and frustration. "If that's marriage," I thought, "Then I don't want it." Detect a little cynicism? Yeah, marriage is hard. But it's good, too. At least it is the way God designed it. If God wants what is best for me, doesn't that mean He wants to give me an amazing marriage, one day, too?
I suppose that makes sense, it's just hard for me to believe, sometimes. But tonight, I felt something that I hadn't in awhile. Hope. And not just that...but actually the desire for marriage. Before it's always been, "I want the warm fuzzies of a relationship but don't want to deal with all the other stuff." But now, I kinda sorta am starting to really crave that kind of deep love and intimacy, the willingness to walk through thick and thin together and keep loving.
First, my source is from God. That's where I'm going for that love...but someday, when the time is right, I know that marriage will actually be a good thing.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Simple Calling
I was sitting at Kebaba today, talking with my friend Julia who is recently back from college. It was a good time--we chatted about life, and goals, and callings, and motorcycles...it was just a time of encouragement and uplifting.
As I left, I pondered the whole "callings" thing. I tend to think of life callings as something big, flashy, or glamorous. Or super spiritual. One or the other. Or both. But I almost never think of callings as small things.
But I'm starting to realize, that it's in the small things, that God's calling becomes most evident. For example, God has called me to write Hosea, but He's also called me to finish school, to be a friend, a sister, a nanny...etc. As I was talking with Julia, I realized that one of the most important callings He's given me is simply that of being a friend. Listening to, talking with, encouraging, crying with, laughing with...these are all aspects of being a friend. And these are all ridiculously important to God.
Sometimes the call of God isn't glamorous, flashy, or even obvious. In fact, so often we look for what we think our calling should be--for example, it seems very noble to be a missionary in a foreign country or to be a pastor, shouldn't that be my calling? Isn't it what's the hardest and most difficult road? While it's true that sometimes God's calling is the hardest, most challenging, and most stretching thing we can think, sometimes it's not. In fact, sometimes it's the very thing that comes most naturally.
Sitting in a coffee shop or eater, chatting about life, is the most natural thing in the world to me. And that's just as much a part of my calling as it is for pastor's to preach or missionaries to travel. It's just as much a part of my calling as writing Hosea.
Sometimes, what God is calling us to do isn't what we expect. It's not to go anywhere, or preach anything, or teach anyone. Sometime's it's simply to be who He created you to be right where you are and love the people in your life right where you're at.
And you know what? That's enough.
As I left, I pondered the whole "callings" thing. I tend to think of life callings as something big, flashy, or glamorous. Or super spiritual. One or the other. Or both. But I almost never think of callings as small things.
But I'm starting to realize, that it's in the small things, that God's calling becomes most evident. For example, God has called me to write Hosea, but He's also called me to finish school, to be a friend, a sister, a nanny...etc. As I was talking with Julia, I realized that one of the most important callings He's given me is simply that of being a friend. Listening to, talking with, encouraging, crying with, laughing with...these are all aspects of being a friend. And these are all ridiculously important to God.
Sometimes the call of God isn't glamorous, flashy, or even obvious. In fact, so often we look for what we think our calling should be--for example, it seems very noble to be a missionary in a foreign country or to be a pastor, shouldn't that be my calling? Isn't it what's the hardest and most difficult road? While it's true that sometimes God's calling is the hardest, most challenging, and most stretching thing we can think, sometimes it's not. In fact, sometimes it's the very thing that comes most naturally.
Sitting in a coffee shop or eater, chatting about life, is the most natural thing in the world to me. And that's just as much a part of my calling as it is for pastor's to preach or missionaries to travel. It's just as much a part of my calling as writing Hosea.
Sometimes, what God is calling us to do isn't what we expect. It's not to go anywhere, or preach anything, or teach anyone. Sometime's it's simply to be who He created you to be right where you are and love the people in your life right where you're at.
And you know what? That's enough.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Barnes and Noble Bonding
Confession: I might possibly have gone to Barnes and Noble to do the massive pile of homework I have, and study for finals...and spent five and a half hours talking to Jenna instead. Okay, it wasn't simply talking. It was very deep heart-to-heart conversation, which ended up in both of us crying multiple times about our problems, self-esteem issues, and relationships with the Lord. We would of course decide to have this conversation in the middle of the cafe at Barnes and Noble right before finals. Go figure. However, it was a very healing conversation for both of us...all five and a half hours of it.
At one point, Jenna looked at me and said, "Wow. I feel as if a hundred pounds just lifted off my shoulders and went on to you." :-) Likewise, I always love talking to Jenna about things. She has the best advice. Even when she doesn't give any advice, her very presence is wisdom-inspiring. It's amazing how healing conversations can be. When there's so much junk pent up in your heart just ready to explode, it's good to talk it over with someone. And it was wonderful to realize that Jenna is struggling just as much as I am. It made me feel a lot less pathetic. Not that I'm glad that Jenna's life is hard, it's just nice to know that she's human too.
Sometimes, I think that's just it. It's not that are problems get smaller, or that we're any closer to answers, it's that we're not all alone anymore; we're not facing our mountains by ourselves. We might still be broken and pathetic, but at least we're broken, hurting, and pathetic together. I think that's why the Bible talks so much about friendship.
This leads me to my next confession: I definitely think relationships are WAY more important than homework.
At one point, Jenna looked at me and said, "Wow. I feel as if a hundred pounds just lifted off my shoulders and went on to you." :-) Likewise, I always love talking to Jenna about things. She has the best advice. Even when she doesn't give any advice, her very presence is wisdom-inspiring. It's amazing how healing conversations can be. When there's so much junk pent up in your heart just ready to explode, it's good to talk it over with someone. And it was wonderful to realize that Jenna is struggling just as much as I am. It made me feel a lot less pathetic. Not that I'm glad that Jenna's life is hard, it's just nice to know that she's human too.
Sometimes, I think that's just it. It's not that are problems get smaller, or that we're any closer to answers, it's that we're not all alone anymore; we're not facing our mountains by ourselves. We might still be broken and pathetic, but at least we're broken, hurting, and pathetic together. I think that's why the Bible talks so much about friendship.
This leads me to my next confession: I definitely think relationships are WAY more important than homework.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Forgiveness
Confession #1
I have a problem with forgiveness.
Now, this problem doesn't manifest itself in the way forgiveness usually does. Most people have hard time forgiving others. For me, that's not usually the case. Rather, I struggle with forgiving myself.
For as long as I can remember, I have had impeccably high ideals. From the kind of person I would be to the kind of things I would do to the kind of man I would marry, I never once wanted to settle for second best. And while this--to some extent--caused me to strive for the best, it also had the opposite of the intended effect. When my striving didn't immediately attain the desired outcome, I'd throw up my hands and give up. And sabotage all the efforts I just went to.
As a perfectionist, that wasn't particularly beneficial.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the perfectionist in me refuses to die and let myself make mistakes. And the sluggard in me refuses to step up and let myself give my best. And I'm stuck in the middle somewhere, in this deadly mix of anger at myself and an overpowering desire to give up. Did I mention that this combination also knows just how to send myself esteem to the sewers?
So here I am with my sky-high ideals, disintegrating motivation, and vanishing self-image: your very own walking contradiction.
Now what? Shall I continue wallowing in the pit that I have dug for myself as I so often have done before? A lovely mixture of self-pity, self-loathing, frustration, and overall agony?
No thanks.
Been there. Done that.
It sucks.
I think it's time to step out of the slums and the best way I know how to do that is through Scripture.
Psalm 103:8-17
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him
I struggle with forgiving myself, yet the Lord forgives me. His Word says "He does not treat me as my sins deserve." Why should I hold against myself what God does not? Am I above God? God remembers that I am dust...why can't I?
He forgives me. Am I greater than God that I should dangle sin over my head, that I should withhold the grace of God from me? It does nothing but hurt me.
Jesus has chosen to forgive me. To love me. To continue loving me even when I do stupid things. And make choices that I know I shouldn't. As long as I wallow in unforgiveness, I'm blocking the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Not cool.
So, Daddy, I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and for choosing to sin. Forgive me, Lord. Help me have a new start. Help me walk in freedom and forgiveness. You forgive me, therefore I will forgive myself. It's a choice.
I have a problem with forgiveness.
Now, this problem doesn't manifest itself in the way forgiveness usually does. Most people have hard time forgiving others. For me, that's not usually the case. Rather, I struggle with forgiving myself.
For as long as I can remember, I have had impeccably high ideals. From the kind of person I would be to the kind of things I would do to the kind of man I would marry, I never once wanted to settle for second best. And while this--to some extent--caused me to strive for the best, it also had the opposite of the intended effect. When my striving didn't immediately attain the desired outcome, I'd throw up my hands and give up. And sabotage all the efforts I just went to.
As a perfectionist, that wasn't particularly beneficial.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the perfectionist in me refuses to die and let myself make mistakes. And the sluggard in me refuses to step up and let myself give my best. And I'm stuck in the middle somewhere, in this deadly mix of anger at myself and an overpowering desire to give up. Did I mention that this combination also knows just how to send myself esteem to the sewers?
So here I am with my sky-high ideals, disintegrating motivation, and vanishing self-image: your very own walking contradiction.
Now what? Shall I continue wallowing in the pit that I have dug for myself as I so often have done before? A lovely mixture of self-pity, self-loathing, frustration, and overall agony?
No thanks.
Been there. Done that.
It sucks.
I think it's time to step out of the slums and the best way I know how to do that is through Scripture.
Psalm 103:8-17
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him
I struggle with forgiving myself, yet the Lord forgives me. His Word says "He does not treat me as my sins deserve." Why should I hold against myself what God does not? Am I above God? God remembers that I am dust...why can't I?
He forgives me. Am I greater than God that I should dangle sin over my head, that I should withhold the grace of God from me? It does nothing but hurt me.
Jesus has chosen to forgive me. To love me. To continue loving me even when I do stupid things. And make choices that I know I shouldn't. As long as I wallow in unforgiveness, I'm blocking the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Not cool.
So, Daddy, I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and for choosing to sin. Forgive me, Lord. Help me have a new start. Help me walk in freedom and forgiveness. You forgive me, therefore I will forgive myself. It's a choice.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Looking Like Jesus
So, I should be sleeping. But I'm not.
Man, I just have such a huge burden on me right now...I feel like God has given me a burden to see people just fall in love with Him. And, it's so discouraging to not see that happening. If anything, it's the opposite. And, it's so discouraging when I'm not there, either.
Right now, I just want to want Jesus.
And, compromise is so frustrating. It breaks my heart to see how compromise has entered into the lives of so many people...and even into my own. I don't want to look like the world. At all. I want to look like Jesus.
But, do I?
Ephesians 5:1 says,
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children." not "Be imitators of the world."
But, what have we been doing, but trying so hard to look like the world.
I'm tired of looking like the world. I just want to look like Jesus. I don't want people to look at me and see Katelyn and her stuff, I want them to look at me and see what Jesus has done and how wonderful He is. That's what matters. That's what counts.
Who cares about the world? Why have I cared about what they think? Why have I measured their opinions and held up as some sort of standard? It means nothing what they say or think in the long run. What is Jesus saying? What does He have to say about my life? What are His thoughts?
Oh, Jesus, precious Jesus, be my everything. Once more.
Man, I just have such a huge burden on me right now...I feel like God has given me a burden to see people just fall in love with Him. And, it's so discouraging to not see that happening. If anything, it's the opposite. And, it's so discouraging when I'm not there, either.
Right now, I just want to want Jesus.
And, compromise is so frustrating. It breaks my heart to see how compromise has entered into the lives of so many people...and even into my own. I don't want to look like the world. At all. I want to look like Jesus.
But, do I?
Ephesians 5:1 says,
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children." not "Be imitators of the world."
But, what have we been doing, but trying so hard to look like the world.
I'm tired of looking like the world. I just want to look like Jesus. I don't want people to look at me and see Katelyn and her stuff, I want them to look at me and see what Jesus has done and how wonderful He is. That's what matters. That's what counts.
Who cares about the world? Why have I cared about what they think? Why have I measured their opinions and held up as some sort of standard? It means nothing what they say or think in the long run. What is Jesus saying? What does He have to say about my life? What are His thoughts?
Oh, Jesus, precious Jesus, be my everything. Once more.
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